
Abigail Pidazo
June 2022

Abigail Pidazo is a Filipina-American poet, writer, and community organizer based in Southern California. She is also the Resident Co-Host and Outreach Coordinator of the Sunday Jump, a monthly open mic series based in Historic Filipinotown, LA providing a safe space for marginalized voices. Now based in the Inland Empire, you can also find her as the Digital Outreach Worker with the Asian-American Pacific Islander Mental Health Resource Center (@fa_aapimhrc) based in Riverside County where she is working towards destigmatizing mental health within the AAPI community.
BAHALA KA SA BUHAY MO
bahala ka sa buhay mo
in my mother’s tongue
intentionally means
“whatever! do what you want. it’s your life”
-
every time i have a regret
i hear the phrase in my head
in my mother’s voice
-
but also every memory
every single one where
i didn’t have to pretend
to be anyone else
but myself
happened in those moments
-
so maybe in my mother’s tongue
in my mother’s voice
i hear regret
of a past life
she didn’t get to experience
-
because
bahala ka sa buhay mo
means also
to “take care of your life”
-
and so she took care
of her life
so well
she began to
take care of others
-
these days
i hear her say
bahala ka sa buhay mo
less
and instead
hear her ask
when i’m coming home
-
and maybe
if i had known
that
bahala ka sa buhay mo
was the same way
of asking me
when i was coming home
i
wouldn’t
have left home so much
-
but for her
bahala ka sa buhay mo
was her life
her buhay
-
so now
i am answering
bahala na ako
-
which means to say
i will take care of it
MONSTER
Before you are beautiful,
Be a monster
Be a monster because
When you are a monster
Everyone fears you
The world fears you
Everyone will just leave you alone
Leave you there
To be a monster
No one will bother you
Go on the other side of the street
Just to avoid you
Because you
You are
A
monster
When you are a monster
No one will try to
Understand you
Because they are terrified of you
But when you are a monster
The only voice you will hear so loud
is your own
When you are a monster
You will be consumed by your own thoughts
When you are a monster
The only monster
You will know is you
Because the only monster that you see is yourself
Because everyone and everything around you
Has gone away
And when you are ready
When you are ready
To be beautiful
When you are ready to speak
To the core of you
Because when you were alone
You found
You found that you were beautiful
the same way
Everything inside you was so beautiful
And that’s why they were scared of you
That’s why you made everyone scared of you
Because you weren’t a monster after all
You were just scared
You were just lonely
You were just terrified
Terrified if they saw you for who you really were
They would want to be with you too
Because you are beautiful
And when you are beautiful
They want to come back to you
When you are beautiful
Everyone who saw you as a monster
Will come back
Because they were beautiful once too
And they don’t understand
Why they were monsters
Why they became monsters
How did they become monsters
And how do they become beautiful again
Because they swore
they were beautiful once too
And because they are monsters
They can’t hear themselves anymore
Everyone around you
Who left you alone
Became monsters
And now they want to understand you
Understand how you became beautiful
Because it’s what they want to go back to
Before you were a monster
Before you were beautiful
You were always
Here
And when you were here
They didn’t tell you
That you could be anything
That you wanted to be
the same way
Everything inside you was so beautiful
And that’s why they were scared of you
That’s why you made everyone scared of you
Because you weren’t a monster after all
You were just scared
You were just lonely
You were just terrified
Terrified if they saw you for who you really were
They would want to be with you too
Because you are beautiful
And when you are beautiful
They want to come back to you
When you are beautiful
Everyone who saw you as a monster
Will come back
Because they were beautiful once too
And they don’t understand
Why they were monsters
Why they became monsters
How did they become monsters
And how do they become beautiful again
Because they swore
they were beautiful once too
And because they are monsters
They can’t hear themselves anymore
Everyone around you
Who left you alone
Became monsters
And now they want to understand you
Understand how you became beautiful
Because it’s what they want to go back to
Before you were a monster
Before you were beautiful
You were always
Here
And when you were here
They didn’t tell you
That you could be anything
That you wanted to be