Sarah McMahon
April 2020
Sarah McMahon is a poet, blogger, ultra runner, and fundraiser for the American Red Cross. She graduated from Bradley University with a Master's in English in 2016, and has since launched her blog (The Prosiest), where she writes about eating disorders, running, relationships, and gender. Her poetry explores relationships with men, with family, and with the self. Past publications include Barking Sycamores, If and Only If, and Alchemy. She self-published a book entitled Surviving 23 in 2017, which explores her experiences suffering from and overcoming an eating disorder.
It's Chess, Darling
he said, explaining a UFC match on TV
a punch a jab an upper cut right to the face
check mate
broken jaws arms that can snap any bone
and fire in their eyes, they
just want to fuck something up
it’s chess, darling
he said
caressing the back of my neck
leaving indents of steam
where his fingers touched me
felt agonizing want from the back of my throat
all the way down to my feet
there are monkeys playing handball in my chest
and I’m supposed to maintain my composure
so he’ll never know
that I’m hanging off the edge of a crescent moon
too terrified to let go
falling in love is chess, darling
they are all rooks and we are both kings
stuck in a stalemate
if I did admit I loved him
I’m afraid he wouldn’t say it back
just like my dad
who taught me that being a man
means letting shame consume you slowly
swallow you like quicksand
means American anger proud and afraid
tears are weakness goddamnit
taught me love is giving a woman breadcrumbs
so she’s always craving more
love means settling, not keeping score out loud
it’s a title match and I’ve got the endurance
to swing and miss talk some real shit
like a family history of wandering men
a woman who sunk her teeth into five of them
led her baby boy into the shallow dungeons
of hearts not ready to hold him
taught him weak men leave their families behind
so he stayed battling anger in a winter depression
that bled all over the rest of us
if we ignore the pain it’ll go away, right?
like a real tough man, hey dad
the demons swirling around in your belly
will eat you alive if you keep them inside
they swallowed me too, until I lay in a hospital room
with a tube in my arm, anorexia dancing
across my body like a sore loser
and a doctor looking down on me promising,
if you keep this up hun, your next move is death
I won’t forfeit this game if you don’t
look shame in the eye and find a mirror
it’s chess, darling he said in my ear
smiling like a goddamn magazine cover
glossy and perfect
trying to love me the best way he can
which is to say not like my dad
which is to say I’m tearing apart at the seams
these jeans don’t fit anymore
I’m a blind woman walking straight into quicksand
trusting his hand can keep me safe
check mate
this body wasn’t built to give up easy
hope is just a word we whisper in our sleep
while we wait for our lives to change
I can’t wait anymore
and I’m done keeping score
it’s just chess, my love he whispered again
and I let him
I like it cuz it's pink
cotton candy bubblegum roses and rosé
flamingos grapefruit lollipops half-washed
blood stains on a pale pink thong
my lips, his lips, her lips, kisses
pink panther pink floyd pretty in pink
Valentine’s day heart shaped declarations of
luv u 4ever babe bmine
I like it cuz it’s pink he said between my legs
like a good boy kissing it licking it flicking it
none of it felt great but I also didn’t hate it
liked the way his mouth tasted after we finished
pink eyes pink lies the pink t-shirt I was wearing
when he promised me I, will love you forever
the way his mouth quivered
the way my spine shivered
the way I learned words don’t mean a damn thing
there’s a rare pink river dolphin in south America
endangered by humans dumping shit in our water
opening our mouths and closing our eyes
surprised when we see something gorgeous
surprised that anything we do could lead to our demise
I like it cuz it’s pink I whispered in his ear
the Christmas he bought me a beryl stone necklace
shaped like an S for my name
he thought I’d adore some narcissistic jewelry
and I do, or I did before I threw it in the river after he left,
stomped me out like a pink starburst wrapper
stuck to the sole of a shoe
spit chewed and swallowed like a stork swallows fish
whole and squirming all the way down
he promised if I jumped high enough and dove into him
I’d find a rare pink river dolphin swimming in his chest
I like it cuz it’s red, he told me the night
he carved out my heart and bit it
his lips turning pinkish like they always did
when I kissed him with lipstick
pink matter pink salt pink lemonade
pink Valentine’s day heart shaped
declarations of luv u 4ever babe bmine